The Fabulousness of the Flop

It's been months -- MONTHS -- since I last posted! Please allow me to apologize. I did not mean to neglect you all but the truth of the matter is, I was having a bit of a problem with my caboose. It is very hard to motivate oneself to blog when you possess an Ass of Explosion. The good news is that some FortiFlora and super fancy duck and green pea cat food has finally appeased my innards and my poops are back to being a-okay!

TMI over-shares taken care of, allow me to get to the meat of this post: Flops. Are. Awesome.

I spend, oh, I'd say about 95% of my day on my back. My preference is to throw myself at one of the human's feet and lay there but I can flop anywhere. On the floor. On a chair. On the couch. On the bed. Anywhere! I feel it helps with my alignment and centers my chi.

I've been cut off!

I am no longer allowed in the bathroom. All because the humans don't like me doing this:

It's not my fault that the waste basket in there is filled with empty toilet paper rolls (SO fun to play with) and used q-tips (SO delicious to munch on) or that the toilet is full of water for me to stick my paws into and make it go *splish-splish-splish*. If God didn't want me to play in the bathroom, he would have filled it with vacuum cleaners and snarling dogs!

Banning me from the bathroom is an outrage. An OUTRAGE, I say!

Box of Safety™

Like I mentioned, the girl-type human was away visiting Vegas for the past few days. At first, I was very upset that she was gone and spent a great deal of time pouting in the corner of the bedroom. Then I started to worry that the man-type might leave too so I stuck to him like glue! Luckily, he didn't leave and the girl-type came back on Monday night. So all is well again!

I have mentioned my Box of Safety™ previously and figure that it is time to write up a proper post about it. It's pretty neat! To the outside observer, it's just a plain ol' box. And that is exactly what it is when I am not in it.

 

However, an Invisible Force-field of Awesome envelopes both the box and myself as soon as I jump into it. Nothing can harm me -- MUAHAHAHAHA! It makes me feel very good and safe; it also gives me a primo view of the yard. I think I would like to have a few lasers mounted on the box so I can shoot those annoying squirrels who think they're all that and a bag of catnip.

Finally: I'm giving a meow-out to my buddy, Billy the Cat! It's his birthday and he's a whole two years old! I hope he gets all the Fancy Feast he can handle! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Hello, vet!

Today, the girl-type human took me to a place called Vet. There were lots of strange animal smells but everyone was really nice and gushed about how handsome I am. And it's true! I am very, very good looking. Ridiculously so, if I do say so myself (and I do).

Don't worry, gentle readers! There's nothing wrong with me. I just went in to get microchipped so I am very high-tech now. I'm pretty sure it will give me bionic super powers! I will keep you informed on that front; perhaps I will take up vigilante crime-fighting! What do you think? I already have a mask! HA!

Last night, the girl-type human (you know, I really should name my humans) hung out with Work for a long, long time. She didn't get home until almost midnight! I was sooooo happy to see her! I followed her everywhere she went; she thought I was trying to trip her but I was just trying to flop on her feet to get her to stop a minute and give me some love. Then? Then?! Almost as soon as she got home, she went out again! I sat by the door and cried and cried and cried. She must have heard me because she came back after only a minute, carrying something called Mail in her hands. Let me tell you, though -- that was the longest minute ever! EVAR!

Sleeping arrangements

I just can't seem to decide where to sleep at night. On the humans' bed, of course, but where? Sometimes, I sleep at the foot of the bed between one of the human's legs (usually the man-type's). Sometimes, I sleep on top of the girl-type's pillows or on her head. Sometimes, I burrow under the pillows completely so only my tail shows. But I think my favorite, so far, is to sleep all stretched out between the two of them.

Although, I will say this: I like it best of all when one of them gets out of bed altogether. Because then I take over their entire side and that is delicious.

Weekend Wrap-up

First off, sorry that I didn't write an entry yesterday. My humans took me outside. On a leash.

I haven't decided what I think of it yet -- there were a lot of strange smells and sounds. I think I might enjoy it eventually but, for now, it was kind of scary. I was relieved when we finally went back inside and I decided that I would rather cuddle for the rest of the evening than write up a blog entry.



Oh, you know what else happened yesterday? I got a package in the mail! Well, technically it was addressed to the girl-type human but it was really for me. My aunt and uncle in Texas sent me fancy food, a fancy dish and a fancy toy! I'm glad that someone recognizes how fancy and special I am! I don't have the title of Sir for nothing, you know!

Shower? What the what?!

Yesterday, after the girl-type human left to hang out with someone named Work, the man-type human.. he ... he ... I can hardly bring myself to talk about it.

He brought me into this small, tiled closet, turned some knobs on the wall and water started to fall from this metal thing above us. And then he lathered me up with bubbly stuff before rinsing me off so the bubbles would go away. All my nice, poofy, fluffy fur: WET.

I was a big boy and didn't scratch him but, I will admit, I did cry a little bit. I had to spend the rest of the day licking myself dry. I do look fantastic and my coat is extra soft and fluffy now but I hope I don't have to do that again any time soon. It wore me out!

Nom nom nom

The humans are upset with me. All because I did this:

Apparently, this is the cable that hooks up their sound system to their tv. As we all discovered last night, it doesn't seem to work too well when it's been chewed in half. But I couldn't help myself! If the universe did not want me to chew on cables, then the universe would not have made them so very tasty. Seriously, have you tried one? They are delicious!

Anyway, the humans banished me to the bedroom-bathroom-hallway-office wing of the apartment for the rest of the night. That was okay, though, because I got to play Under the Bed Commando. In this game, the hero (me) defends the homeland (the bed) against the Evil Agents of DOOM (feet). I totally won and the villain was vanquished. THESE COLORS DON'T RUN!

This morning, I adopted a contrite expression so the humans would believe that I felt guilty about last night (I don't) and that I won't mess with the cables again (I will). I love them and everything but cables are just too irresistible!

How I got my name

Actually, I've always had a name. I should really call this post 'How the humans correctly guessed my name' because it took them a while. This was no fault of mine; I just think they might be a little slow, bless their hearts.

They spent the first few days calling me all sorts of different things: Pancake, Pullo, Gaius, Helo, Butters, Buffer and Kenny Powers. I will admit that the last name is awesome but let's be frank: there can only be one Kenny Powers.

When I saw them floundering with their guesses, I broke it down so simply that even they were able to get it. First, I spent the day doing this:

Then, when they were getting ready to go to bed, I woke up and went crazy bananas. The man-type human (he seems to be the smarter of the pair) remarked: 'He must have been sleeping all day so he'd have enough energy for the cat-disco tonight.'

Bingo, buddy. Every night is Caturday Night Fever for me.

I do all my best thinking in the tub

Tru fax.

This morning, I was hanging out in the tub thinking about my current situation. I came to the conclusion that I am not being held hostage and my captors harbor no ill intentions toward me. They are actually quite nice! The girl-type human is always giving me massages and the man-type human plays with me. Additionally? He made me a Box of Safety™. I will take a picture of it soon to show it off. It's pretty awesome. And safe. And safely awesome. And awesomely safe. And it affords me a good view of the yard below so I'm able to keep an eye on those rat-bastard squirrels who think they are all that. One day, bitches. ONE DAY.

 

Perhaps I will keep them..

On Caturday, April 2, 2011, I was taken from my home and all my brothers and sisters to a new place with no brothers or sisters at all. There were two humans though, a very tall man-type and a tall-but-not-quite-as-tall girl-type. Suspecting that I had been catnapped and would be held for ransom, I figured that it would be very clever of me to be nice to my captors so they would be nice to me.

However, as time went by, it was clear that my plan had backfired. I was so nice and so adorable, they obviously decided to just keep me for themselves. Curse me and my irresistible cuteness! I bet I wouldn't have these kind of problems if I was one of those weird,  smooshed-faced Persians. Anyway, I hid behind some books in a bookshelf for a while so I could plot my escape.

Then? They gave me treats; I am beginning to think that my situation is not so deplorable as I originally thought. We will see!