How to Drink Water

I have one of those fancy-shmancy water fountains to drink from. The girl human gave me a regular bowl once and quickly learned that bowls of water are for splashing, not for drinking. Now, you probably think that be best way to drink from one of these fountains is to lap it up directly from the stream.

Wrong.

First, you need to stick your head under the stream. Not only will you be able to gauge the temperature of the water and ascertain if it is to your liking, some of it will dribble down your face where you can lick it off your cheek. You should do this a few times at least. Then, you need to swat at the water in the receiving bowl a few times. Once you've shown the water who is boss, then you can begin scooping with your paw and licking the moisture from your toes.

Confused? No worries! I have made an instructional video.

The Fabulousness of the Flop

It's been months -- MONTHS -- since I last posted! Please allow me to apologize. I did not mean to neglect you all but the truth of the matter is, I was having a bit of a problem with my caboose. It is very hard to motivate oneself to blog when you possess an Ass of Explosion. The good news is that some FortiFlora and super fancy duck and green pea cat food has finally appeased my innards and my poops are back to being a-okay!

TMI over-shares taken care of, allow me to get to the meat of this post: Flops. Are. Awesome.

I spend, oh, I'd say about 95% of my day on my back. My preference is to throw myself at one of the human's feet and lay there but I can flop anywhere. On the floor. On a chair. On the couch. On the bed. Anywhere! I feel it helps with my alignment and centers my chi.

I've been cut off!

I am no longer allowed in the bathroom. All because the humans don't like me doing this:

It's not my fault that the waste basket in there is filled with empty toilet paper rolls (SO fun to play with) and used q-tips (SO delicious to munch on) or that the toilet is full of water for me to stick my paws into and make it go *splish-splish-splish*. If God didn't want me to play in the bathroom, he would have filled it with vacuum cleaners and snarling dogs!

Banning me from the bathroom is an outrage. An OUTRAGE, I say!

Box of Safety™

Like I mentioned, the girl-type human was away visiting Vegas for the past few days. At first, I was very upset that she was gone and spent a great deal of time pouting in the corner of the bedroom. Then I started to worry that the man-type might leave too so I stuck to him like glue! Luckily, he didn't leave and the girl-type came back on Monday night. So all is well again!

I have mentioned my Box of Safety™ previously and figure that it is time to write up a proper post about it. It's pretty neat! To the outside observer, it's just a plain ol' box. And that is exactly what it is when I am not in it.

 

However, an Invisible Force-field of Awesome envelopes both the box and myself as soon as I jump into it. Nothing can harm me -- MUAHAHAHAHA! It makes me feel very good and safe; it also gives me a primo view of the yard. I think I would like to have a few lasers mounted on the box so I can shoot those annoying squirrels who think they're all that and a bag of catnip.

Finally: I'm giving a meow-out to my buddy, Billy the Cat! It's his birthday and he's a whole two years old! I hope he gets all the Fancy Feast he can handle! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

A Day in the Life of a Kitten

I spent some time last night putting together a video of what I do during the course of a day. I couldn't put in everything of course but this is a good snapshot. I chuckled when I noticed that Vimeo used the scariest looking screen grab in the entire video as the thumbnail. Do not fret, though! There's only a little bit of fierceness in the video; it's 99.9% cute.

(UPDATE: I swapped out the thumbnail with something that wasn't quite so frightening)



This will be my last blog post until Monday night or Tuesday morning. You see, the girl-type human is going to Vegas and she's leaving me in charge of taking care of the man-type who is staying home with me. This is a big responsibility! He needs a lot of attention and care so I doubt I will have time for anything else other than looking after him.

See you next week!

Hello, vet!

Today, the girl-type human took me to a place called Vet. There were lots of strange animal smells but everyone was really nice and gushed about how handsome I am. And it's true! I am very, very good looking. Ridiculously so, if I do say so myself (and I do).

Don't worry, gentle readers! There's nothing wrong with me. I just went in to get microchipped so I am very high-tech now. I'm pretty sure it will give me bionic super powers! I will keep you informed on that front; perhaps I will take up vigilante crime-fighting! What do you think? I already have a mask! HA!

Last night, the girl-type human (you know, I really should name my humans) hung out with Work for a long, long time. She didn't get home until almost midnight! I was sooooo happy to see her! I followed her everywhere she went; she thought I was trying to trip her but I was just trying to flop on her feet to get her to stop a minute and give me some love. Then? Then?! Almost as soon as she got home, she went out again! I sat by the door and cried and cried and cried. She must have heard me because she came back after only a minute, carrying something called Mail in her hands. Let me tell you, though -- that was the longest minute ever! EVAR!

Sometimes, I am kind of like a dog

There's a game I like to play with the girl-type human: FETCH! It's great fun. She takes one of my furry mice, shakes it so it rattles and then throws it across the room! I go after it, punish it with my claws (take THAT, you foul fiend!) and then bring it back to her in my mouth so we can do it all over again. I only like to play this game with that very specific toy but she doesn't seem to mind that I am picky!

Sleeping arrangements

I just can't seem to decide where to sleep at night. On the humans' bed, of course, but where? Sometimes, I sleep at the foot of the bed between one of the human's legs (usually the man-type's). Sometimes, I sleep on top of the girl-type's pillows or on her head. Sometimes, I burrow under the pillows completely so only my tail shows. But I think my favorite, so far, is to sleep all stretched out between the two of them.

Although, I will say this: I like it best of all when one of them gets out of bed altogether. Because then I take over their entire side and that is delicious.

There is something living in the drain

Last night, I was hanging out in the bathtub (as I am inclined to do from time to time) when I noticed something down in the drain. I don't know who or what it is but I know that I must defend my home against it! I attacked the drain like the Fierce Kitten that I am; while I did not manage to capture it, I definitely made it very aware that I will not put up with any of its shenanigans.

In other news, some folks have asked me what I do all day. Let me tell you, I am one busy kitty! In addition to keeping an eye on the bathtub drain, I flop-n-roll at my humans' feet, play with the water in the sink and show that feather toy who's boss. It's tiring work but someone's got to do it!

Weekend Wrap-up

First off, sorry that I didn't write an entry yesterday. My humans took me outside. On a leash.

I haven't decided what I think of it yet -- there were a lot of strange smells and sounds. I think I might enjoy it eventually but, for now, it was kind of scary. I was relieved when we finally went back inside and I decided that I would rather cuddle for the rest of the evening than write up a blog entry.



Oh, you know what else happened yesterday? I got a package in the mail! Well, technically it was addressed to the girl-type human but it was really for me. My aunt and uncle in Texas sent me fancy food, a fancy dish and a fancy toy! I'm glad that someone recognizes how fancy and special I am! I don't have the title of Sir for nothing, you know!

Shower? What the what?!

Yesterday, after the girl-type human left to hang out with someone named Work, the man-type human.. he ... he ... I can hardly bring myself to talk about it.

He brought me into this small, tiled closet, turned some knobs on the wall and water started to fall from this metal thing above us. And then he lathered me up with bubbly stuff before rinsing me off so the bubbles would go away. All my nice, poofy, fluffy fur: WET.

I was a big boy and didn't scratch him but, I will admit, I did cry a little bit. I had to spend the rest of the day licking myself dry. I do look fantastic and my coat is extra soft and fluffy now but I hope I don't have to do that again any time soon. It wore me out!

Nom nom nom

The humans are upset with me. All because I did this:

Apparently, this is the cable that hooks up their sound system to their tv. As we all discovered last night, it doesn't seem to work too well when it's been chewed in half. But I couldn't help myself! If the universe did not want me to chew on cables, then the universe would not have made them so very tasty. Seriously, have you tried one? They are delicious!

Anyway, the humans banished me to the bedroom-bathroom-hallway-office wing of the apartment for the rest of the night. That was okay, though, because I got to play Under the Bed Commando. In this game, the hero (me) defends the homeland (the bed) against the Evil Agents of DOOM (feet). I totally won and the villain was vanquished. THESE COLORS DON'T RUN!

This morning, I adopted a contrite expression so the humans would believe that I felt guilty about last night (I don't) and that I won't mess with the cables again (I will). I love them and everything but cables are just too irresistible!

Toy Review: Spring

As a service to other cats out there, I thought I would offer up reviews of toys on my blog from time to time. The first I would like to cover is a personal favorite of mine: THE SPRING.

Its beauty is in its simplicity: it's just a spring. It doesn't blink. It doesn't beep. It isn't bedecked in feathers or stuffed with catnip. However, it is covered in a rubbery material to minimize the inherent poke-i-ness of the toy. Good idea, that. Because I SO LOVE TO BITE ON IT! Zomg.

So what's so great about a spring, you ask? Well, let me tell you. It boings. It rolls. It is fun -- and easy -- to carry in your mouth. I swear to you, I never tire of playing with this thing. And when I knock it under something and can't reach it? I sit there and cry until one of the humans comes over and gets it for me. I must say, seeing them down on the floor on their bellies, using whatever they can to retrieve it for me only adds to the amusement the spring provides. And they think they own me. HA!

How I got my name

Actually, I've always had a name. I should really call this post 'How the humans correctly guessed my name' because it took them a while. This was no fault of mine; I just think they might be a little slow, bless their hearts.

They spent the first few days calling me all sorts of different things: Pancake, Pullo, Gaius, Helo, Butters, Buffer and Kenny Powers. I will admit that the last name is awesome but let's be frank: there can only be one Kenny Powers.

When I saw them floundering with their guesses, I broke it down so simply that even they were able to get it. First, I spent the day doing this:

Then, when they were getting ready to go to bed, I woke up and went crazy bananas. The man-type human (he seems to be the smarter of the pair) remarked: 'He must have been sleeping all day so he'd have enough energy for the cat-disco tonight.'

Bingo, buddy. Every night is Caturday Night Fever for me.

I do all my best thinking in the tub

Tru fax.

This morning, I was hanging out in the tub thinking about my current situation. I came to the conclusion that I am not being held hostage and my captors harbor no ill intentions toward me. They are actually quite nice! The girl-type human is always giving me massages and the man-type human plays with me. Additionally? He made me a Box of Safety™. I will take a picture of it soon to show it off. It's pretty awesome. And safe. And safely awesome. And awesomely safe. And it affords me a good view of the yard below so I'm able to keep an eye on those rat-bastard squirrels who think they are all that. One day, bitches. ONE DAY.

 

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute!

I heard the humans conspiring the other day about something called a 'leash'. I hoped that it was an exotic treat or belly-massage technique. I do like both after all.

I was wrong. So very, very wrong.

Apparently, this leash business involves them putting a harness on me and parading me around outside at the end of a rope for all to bear witness to my humiliation. I can only assume this is some kind of attempt to assert their power over me. I will not have it!

That said, this is one of those times when I really wish I had opposable thumbs. I have a feeling they would come in handy in freeing myself from this Torture Device of Doom. Haha, see what I did there? HANDY?! I am so witty.

Feather ATTACK!

Despite spending considerable time beneath my captors' couch, I find myself warming to their friendly overtures. Intellectually, I know that these positive feelings can be attributed to Stockholm Syndrome but, in my heart? I don't care. They pet me and give me treats; it's not a bad life.

However, I don't want them to forget that I am here of my own free will and that I can turn on them at any second. Using a feather toy, I showed them exactly what will happen if they ever make me unhappy with our arrangement.



I'm not sure this display of Ragdoll Fierceness had the results I intended. They just seemed charmed.

Perhaps I will keep them..

On Caturday, April 2, 2011, I was taken from my home and all my brothers and sisters to a new place with no brothers or sisters at all. There were two humans though, a very tall man-type and a tall-but-not-quite-as-tall girl-type. Suspecting that I had been catnapped and would be held for ransom, I figured that it would be very clever of me to be nice to my captors so they would be nice to me.

However, as time went by, it was clear that my plan had backfired. I was so nice and so adorable, they obviously decided to just keep me for themselves. Curse me and my irresistible cuteness! I bet I wouldn't have these kind of problems if I was one of those weird,  smooshed-faced Persians. Anyway, I hid behind some books in a bookshelf for a while so I could plot my escape.

Then? They gave me treats; I am beginning to think that my situation is not so deplorable as I originally thought. We will see!